BLIND DATE

BOY: hello

GIRL: [smiles] hello

BOY: Brenda?

GIRL: [pauses as she takes a seat] “you sound surprised or should I say disappointed?”

Boy: “oh no, I’m just asking to be sure”

GIRL: [narrows eyes] “were you expecting someone different?”

BOY: “different? In what way?

GIRL: [shrugs] “I don’t know, you tell me”

BOY: [smiles] “I wasn’t expecting someone as pretty. I’ve heard some terrible stories

           about blind dates”

GIRL: [raises eyebrows] “interesting, what kind of stories?”

BOY: “ridiculous stuff, mostly hearsay”

GIRL: “I see, let’s hope it gets better then”

BOY: “I’m feeling lucky. How are you?”

GIRL: “I’m great, you?”

BOY: “pretty good”

Waiter comes over and takes orders for drinks. Asks for meal order and they both answer “not yet”

They smile at each other

GIRL: “so...what did you do today? you kinda look beat”

BOY: [raises eyebrows] really? I had no idea it showed. Same thing I do every 

           Thursday. Went to work, left for home, now I’m here”

GIRL: “wait, you have a blind date every Thursday?”

BOY:[laughs] “oh no. I meant my day is pretty much the same as every other day.

          Work and home”

GIRL: “oh I get it now...where do you work?”

BOY: “I’m a consultant at an IT firm, you?”

GIRL: “I’m a blogger”

BOY: “did you say blogger?”

GIRL: “yeah”

BOY: [chuckles] “really?”

GIRL: “yeah”

BOY: “so what do you blog about?”

GIRL: “some things here and there”

BOY: .......

GIRL: “what?”

BOY: “you’re evading”

GIRL: “not really”

BOY: “okay let me have your blog name”

GIRL: “Let’s not talk about work...tell me more about yourself”

BOY: “I’m a pretty boring guy”

GIRL: “I doubt that”

BOY: “really. I work most of my time. The times I’m not at work, I’m home or

           hanging out with friends. The only time I’ve travelled out of the country was for            official purposes. I love night of a thousand laughs though, so I try to go for that            whenever it’s happening in town”

GIRL: “interesting. Do you drink?”

BOY: “no, I don’t”

GIRL: “would you mind if I did?”

BOY: [pauses then shrugs] “I don’t think so. It your body”

GIRL: “my body? Hmm”

BOY: “alcohol is bad for you”

GIRL: [laughs] “I know right? But life is more fun if you take a little risk, you should try it”

Drinks arrive and girl makes extra order for vodka

BOY: “life is already full of risks, why complicate things? Sitting at this table in itself

            is a risk.”

GIRL: “how so?”

BOY: “I came to meet someone I don’t really know. Life is full of risks”

GIRL: “I thought you said you didn’t mind if I drank”

BOY: “I don’t”

GIRL: “but you’re uncomfortable with it”

BOY: “I don’t have to agree to it. Like I said before, it’s your body”

GIRL: “right you are...so...[sips her juice]...have you ever had a threesome?”

BOY: [coughs] “wh-excuse me?”

GIRL: [leans back in her seat] “have you ever had a threesome?”

BOY: “what has that got to do with anything? besides that’s a very inappropriate

            question.”

GIRL: “how so? Okay. Let me make this easy for you. I’ve had a threesome. [shrugs]

             A few actually. Twice with girls, once with guys and once with a guy and a

             girl. So you go, have you ever had a threesome?”

BOY: ....

GIRL: “come on, are you really this unadventurous? We aren’t getting married you

              know, this is just a d-a-t-e. You can tell me”

BOY: [shakes his head] “yes, I’ve had a threesome”

GIRL: “there you go! Interesting. Funny, you didn’t say that when you were telling me

             about yourself. You left the fun part out”

BOY: “that’s not entirely getting to know each other conversation material”

GIRL: “sure it is. It shows you at least have some fun. Yeah?”

BOY: [smiles] “I guess you can say that. So you tell me something about yourself”

GIRL: “apples give me gas”

BOY: “huh?”

GIRL: “what?”

Waiter returns for meal order. They place orders.

BOY: “I said tell me something about yourself”

GIRL: “I just did. Apples give me gas”

BOY: [disbelief] “okay...What else?”

GIRL: “I’m a very good swimmer. I can go for miles. Do you know how to swim?”

BOY: “yes I do”

GIRL: “that’s cool. We should go swimming together sometime. It’ll be great. Ever

             swam naked before. I believe it’s called skinny dipping”

BOY: “no I haven’t done that before, I use a hotel swimming pool”

GIRL: “so?”

BOY: “so...it would be inappropriate to expose myself in the presence of other

            swimmers”

GIRL: [waves hand dismissively] “you worry too much about what people think”

BOY: “I think it’s called being responsible”

GIRL: “are you trying to say you’ve never done anything remotely irresponsible?”

BOY: “sure I have, when I was in my teens, but people tend to grow out of that in

             time”

GIRL: “how old are you exactly?”

BOY: “I’m 27”

GIRL: [laughs] “really?”

BOY: “yes, is it funny?”

GIRL: [still laughing] “yeah. You make it sound like you’re twice that”

BOY: ...

GIRL: “I mean... I’m 36 and I still like to have my fair share of fun”

BOY: “did you just say you’re 36?”

GIRL: “yeah, you sound surprised”

BOY: “I am. Very surprised. I never would have thought. You don’t look it, I can tell

            you that, you look much much younger.”

GIRL: “yeah I know. I’m a mutation. I don’t age. I stopped when I was 19. I’m gonna

            look like this till I kick the spade or bucket, whatever they call it”

BOY: “you don’t age...”

GIRL: “really. It’s a genetic thing. Got it from my mother. Think it’s called proger-

             something I can’t really remember now. The downside is I have a shorter life

             span than most people, so far I’ve beaten the odds at 36. The average I think is

             early twenties”

BOY: “I’m sorry to hear that’

GIRL: “don’t be, I’m not. It has its perks too. Besides, who wants to grow old and frail

             and delicate? I know I don’t. I wanna go out while I’m still on top”

BOY’s phone beeps. He picks it up and looks at it. He types a reply

GIRL: “is that the mrs?”

BOY: “excuse me?”

GIRL: “you’re married aren’t you?”

BOY: “why do you think so?”

GIRL: “I don’t know, you just look like you could be married”

BOY: “I’m not married”

GIRL: “do you have a girlfriend?”

BOY: “no, I wouldn’t be here if I did, would I?”

GIRL: “not necessarily, guys have been known to stray”

BOY: “I don’t stray. I stay.”

GIRL: “okay”

BOY: “now to you, do you have a boyfriend? Girls too stray, you know”

GIRL: [laughs] “I’ve never had one”

BOY: “no joke?”

GIRL: “straight A. Never bothered with one.”

BOY: “why are you on this date then?”

GIRL: “Adventure. I love it. Nothing like expecting the unexpected. That’s my

             poison”

BOY: “I see...you must have been on a lot of dates then”

GIRL: “I have...so when you aren’t working or hanging out with friends, what do you

             do?”

BOY:   “I read a book. You?

GIRL: “oh sometimes I play chess but I’m not very good at it. Not very good at a lot of

             things actually”

BOY: “hey you’re good at swimming, you said you could go for miles. I can’t go three

             laps without tiring out”

GIRL: “nah, that’s just sport. Besides, my blog takes so much of my time time, I don’t

             have time to chase other things”

BOY: “okay, what’s the one thing you think you would be really good at if you took

             time out to pursue it?

GIRL: “hmm, I would say being a professor. I’m really good at mathematics”

BOY: [laughs] “really? I wouldn’t have thought.”

GIRL: “seriously, ask me anything”

BOY: ...

GIRL: “go on”

BOY: “okay, what’s the square root of ten thousand?”

GIRL: “are you kidding?”

BOY: “yeah”

GIRL: “don’t insult me please, give me something harder. It doesn’t have to be

             something you know, you know. Whip out the calculator if you want. Your

             phone’s got one doesn’t it?

BOY: [takes out phone] “this is going to be interesting. What’s...seventeen times five

           times twelve?”

GIRL: “piece of cake, one thousand and twenty”

BOY: “okay harder. One hundred and eighty six times fifty six times three hundred

            and forty five”

GIRL: [smiles] “now we’re talking ... three million, five hundred and ninety three

            thousand, five hundred and twenty.”

BOY: [jaw drops] “I don’t believe it. Square root of three hundred and thirty one

            thousand, seven hundred and seventy six.”

GIRL: “five hundred and seventy six”

BOY: “three hundred and fifty nine thousand divided by nine hundred and thirty

            eight?”

GIRL: [pause] “approximately three hundred and eighty three”

BOY: [puts phone away] “wow, you’re like a mathematical prodigy.”

GIRL: [shrugs] “not really. My father beat the hell out of me a lot when I was young

           if I didn’t get the answers right so I had make myself learn it. Over time, it paid

          off I guess.”

Their meal arrives.

GIRL: how’s the food?

BOY: “it’s pretty good. Very good actually”

GIRL: “yeah. That’s why I suggested this place. Their service is really good”

BOY: “I’m surprised I’ve never heard about this place before”

GIRL: “yeah, it’s kinda by invitation only.”

BOY: “hmmm... you should really try this”

GIRL: “no thanks. I'm a vegetarian”

BOY: “a Nigerian vegetarian. That’s a first”

GIRL: [shrugs] “well....

BOY: “I can’t place the meat though. Doesn’t takes like chicken or beef”

GIRL: “it’s human”

BOY: [chuckles] “right. Hilarious”

GIRL: “really”

BOY: [stops chewing and looks at girl, she smiles] “that’s really low. You know that

           right?”

GIRL: [still smiling] “it was worth the expression on your face”

BOY: “so are you going to give me your blog name. I’m interested to see what you

            blog about”

GIRL: “no. It’s a private blog, even if I gave it to you; you wouldn’t be able to view it”

BOY: what’s the reason behind opening a private blog?”

GIRL: “I have my reasons, it’s for my private use and only for people I invite”

BOY: “so are you going to invite me”

GIRL: “not just yet.

BOY: “so how do you make a living. ‘cause you told me you’re a blogger”

GIRL: “and I am”

BOY: “so how does a private blog generate income because if I understand quite well,

             a blog generates income only if you have enough traffic, right?”

GIRL: “actually...I’m a hacker. If its connected to an electronic device, its mine. I hack

             into people’s online accounts and steal their deepest darkest secrets and I use it

             to blackmail them. That’s how I make my money. The blog is just where I

             display my achievements”

BOY: [pause] “ha ha, very funny”

GIRL: “I’m not trying to be funny”

BOY: “you can’t really be serious”

GIRL: “I am”

BOY: [sighs] “so when do I get an invitation for the blog?”

GIRL:  “when the time is right... ever killed a man?”

BOY: [chokes on the food in his mouth] “excuse me?”

GIRL: “have you ever killed a man?”

BOY: [frowns] “that’s the most inappropriate question you have asked me so far”

GIRL: “I know you killed a man last week”

BOY: “what?!”

GIRL: “you know, with your car, along Port Harcourt/Aba express way

BOY: [incredulous] “what is the matter with you?”

GIRL: “that man you killed? He was my father. He was crossing the road, you ran him down and you didn’t even stop. He was a son of a bitch but he was my FATHER!”

BOY: “this is no longer funny! Stop it!”

GIRL: [leans back in her seat] “okay”

Boy picks up phone and pings friend who set up blind date for him guy, where did you find this chic you set me up with. She’s crazy.

BOY’s phone beeps. Reply from his friend what chic?

BOY sends message back the one you set me up on a blind date with tonight

BOY’s friend replies I didn’t set you up on any blind date.

GIRL: “why are you pinging your friend and asking about me?”

BOY: [pauses]

GIRL: “come on, don’t deny it. I know. I can see your messages, I’m a hacker remember?”

Girl picks up her phone and shows the screen to boy who sees his chat with his friend on her screen.

BOY: [disbelief] “how did you...is this a joke? Did Segun put you up to this?”

GIRL: “no its not a joke and no he didn’t put me up to this, he really doesn’t know

             me”

BOY: “what?”

GIRL: “nobody knows me... no, actually, someone did, but he’s dead now, thanks to

             you”

BOY: “this has gone on long enough!”

Boy tries to get up but finds that he can’t.

GIRL: [laughs] “you can’t leave, I think its time to show you what I blog about, its my

            favourite past time”

Girl reaches into her purse and brings out an ipad. She sets it up in front of boy and taps the screen. A video began to play

The girl is naked in the video, her back to the camera, there is no hair on her head as if it has been shaven, there is a man lying on what looks like a gurney, he is trembling. The girl approaches him and he begins to scream. Blood sprays into the air, more violent trembling, boy hears gurgling sounds and then nothing. Girl slowly turns to the camera, a smile on her blood covered face.

BOY: “nooo”

GIRL: “it’s fun isn’t it?... oh yeah, I forgot about this..."

girl tugs at hair and it comes off. Her entire head is bald.

GIRl: "another downside, I don't get to grow thick luxurious hair like everybody else

            but you know what they say. Money solves all problems"

BOY: [struggles in his seat] “what did you do to me?”

GIRL: “nothing. Remember your meal? It really was human meat. Once you ate it, you

             sealed your fate, you can never leave”

BOY: “waiter!”

GIRL: “he can’t help you. He works for me”

BOY: “help!”

GIRL: no one can hear you”

BOY: [frantically looks around] “the people, everybody! what did you do with the

           people?!”

GIRL: "what people?"

BOY: "help"

GIRL: “you only see what you want to see. We’ve been in here alone from the moment

             I sat down at this table. If only you had stopped”

the waiter appears

GIRL: [smiles] "it is time"

email: bbannesworld@gmail.com
twitter: @bbannesworld












Stories posted on this blog are fiction and a product of the writer's imagination. They do not refer to any person or persons. Similarities to real life characters are purely coincidental.